On Being Your Own Worst Enemy...

What happens when you realize you have been holding yourself back?

That the very things you have been working so hard on, have, inevitably, left you unfulfilled?

And all along, when you're being really honest with yourself, you knew they would?

What happens when you come face to face with your own resistance?

When the words you've been spouting, the assurances to yourself, the promises… they have all be constructed to keep yourself small and scared?

What happens when you knew this all along? Because of course you did. You know yourself. You're a scared little girl who lies to herself so fucking well she believes it. Because you believe in yourself just as much as you don't. It's a real conundrum. It's the story of my fucking life.

No matter how big I see myself, no matter how much good I KNOW I can do. No matter what. I'm always scared, and I always let it win, and I always make excuses for it.

Well this time, it made me sick. Physically ill. And I fucking ran from it. I made jokes about it. I ignored it. But 5 weeks later, what did I have to show for the god damn excuses and the "just push through" bullshit? My fucking life was falling apart around me, business came inexplicably screeching to a halt, and I was sick. Barely functioning sick. For 5 weeks and counting.

The signs were there. But no one was around to make me pay attention to them. And if you know me, you know I don't do things I don't want to do.

I pulled cards, laughed to myself, promised "when I get better."

I read stories that were just a little to serendipitous to be purely coincidental.

And then, when I broke and revealed my vulnerability to my audience, there it came as a smack to the face. A current friend and previous client got an intuitive hit. She told me, "I won't try to speak to your pain but I'm saving space for you because you've done it here for us all. I will say though that I'm getting a lot of exhaustion and a feeling that there's something you want that you're not allowing yourself to have and it has nothing to do with money." and then added, "There's anger, fear, pain, and guilt and I don't feel like design is what you ultimately desire. It could be a combination of this and something else but there's a disconnect...something missing...something crucial for you and it's making itself present in your body." Well, shit. I knew this. All of it. And put so plainly, I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I was missing something, something crucial for me. Design is not what I ultimately desire. And although I am quite good at it, it's not my most pressing calling, my most God-given, if you will, skill. That would be support.

I was born a support system. I grew up everyone's best friend. People I hardly knew bore their souls to me, and I helped. I came into people's lives when they most needed me. And I taught many people, many important lessons. And sometimes, it hurt. Actually, a lot of the time it hurt. Because these were my friendships too, and there is nothing like realizing something is one-sided when they don't need you anymore. It was heart breaking, being the support, when I was left on the back burner, when I was left to support myself. When I was left. At the end of the day, it was always just me, alone, putting my pieces back together after someone else took something from me and then just vanished when they felt whole again.

Maybe therein lies most of my resistance, because as much as each one of those experiences gave me LIFE in the midst of them, they left me broken and wondering what I did wrong afterwards. Why was I not worth keeping around when things got better? Why was I expendable?

Years later, amidst a tumultuous at best marriage, I realized it wasn't my fault. I didn't run people off, I healed them. I attracted the broken, and then showed them how to heal, and then our journey's were over.

I learned about healing, and being an Empath, and a Highly Sensitive Person, and my eyes opened up for the first time.

I fell in love with a beautiful soul, my best friend now, and she showed me what mutual friendship actually looks like, for the first time in my life, I think.

And then I saw what all those relationships were, with clear eyes. But I didn't analyze it. Not until now. Not until I came face to face with my own, deeply-rooted pain. My resistance to the one thing that has always lit me up the most. Because there must be a way to offer that support, without my heart breaking every time, without feeling like I'm always the one losing something when it's over.

It's been staring me in the face for years, and for years, I have written it off. But I can't any longer. Because my physical body, and my spiritual flow, literally will not let me.

And as I face these old wounds that have festered, as I name them, I remember once again why I was born to do this work. I was BORN to do this work. I'm damn good at staring down my demons, giving them a name, and casting them out. And I'm good at holding the space to allow others to do the same.

I'm also very organized.

So births, finally, and none too soon, my Magical Biz Bestie Support Package - Conquer Your Business Demons, Your Personal Demons, and Soar. Launching as soon as fucking possible.

 

- Mo <3

Mo Kilpin